Dear Vinny, Ronnie, The Situation, JWoww, Sammi, and Snooki (a.k.a. Snickers, Schnooki, Schnicki, Snooks):

It has been quite a few months since I have seen or heard from any of you. I can’t tell you how relieved I was when you left Seaside Heights. I really needed some rest. It gave me some time to think and I really need to get some things off my chest. You guys were total nobodies. You came to the shore for one month. ONE MONTH! You drank your faces off, hooked up with random strangers, and slept all day. What did you really do? Now all of a sudden you are superstars. What!?! You are getting on an average $7,000 to make appearances. You are hanging with celebrities. Really!? I am the one that made it all happen. You have given me zero credit. Do I get any thanks or appreciation? No!! Mike, when you needed a girl to take her top off you needed me to do it. I endured a lot of dirty vaginas for you Mike! Ronnie, when you needed to rest your weary muscles from dancing and fist pumping all night at the clubs, you turned to me. Pauly, when you were tired of jumping on grenades for Mike, I kept you company. Snooks, when you were exhausted from snookin’ for love you snooked to me!  I am so happy I don’t have to listen to Sammi whining anymore. She was all like…”Ronnie you don’t understand. You traumatized me! Who were you talking to Ronnie?”  UGH!  You traumatized me Sammi! How do you like that? I just need to tell you Sammi you are a couple of hoagies away from being a really big housewife.  It happens. I will miss JWoww’s boobies though! Pauly you need to control your stalker friend Danielle. She keeps coming over here looking for you. What is it going to take for her to get the message? If you think you guys are coming here next summer you are out of your Guido licking mind.  You need to find a new shore. You are not welcome here any more. Mike, I do have one wish for you. I wish you a lifetime of raisin balls!! O.k. well I have to go. There is a “Sons of Poland” festival in town and the crew just got in from polka dancing. I think they are going to need me. Oh no!! I smell kielbasa grilling. It is going to get crazy up in here!!

Signed,

The Hot Tub